Annie’s Story
when her 8-year-old son kept saying
I don’t want to die today
she calmly explained
that wouldn’t happen
they were safe
the fire was a long way away
they would leave if it ever got close
a few hours later
trapped in gridlock
with the smoke plumes getting darker
her family split between
different cars and departure times and friends
she’s nearly overcome by the unbearableness of
stasis in the midst of terror
jammed in this long line of sitting ducks
straddling gas tanks
so she asks the traffic control lady
if she’s still going the best way,
and the lady shakes her head and says,
there are a lot of people getting hurt up there
(which later proved to be false,
but then she’d no way to know)
afraid to learn exactly how close the flames are now
she wills herself not to check the messages on her phone
instead she calls her National Guard brother
pleading for him to find her an exit
thinking to herself
I don’t want to die today
but even with his emergency ops experience
and all the info he is calm enough to marshal
all her brother can tell her is stay where she is –
north is the only way
now she says, everyone miraculously safe,
things aren’t the same
sometimes it’s like my nervous system is outside my body
she says
like there is no buffer between the world and me
I will never leave my husband’s side in an emergency again
she says
I wanted us to be together if something happened
I will never wait for an evacuation order again
she says
by the time they order you it’s too late
the roads are packed solid
I’m glad I took my rings
but I didn’t really need my wedding photos –
more of those exist
my main regret is I didn’t grab my grandmother’s box
it goes between my mom and uncles
so they have turns with her memories
my mom had loaned it to me
and I would have let them down
if I’d let it burn
one of the hardest moments was
picking up my daughter from her friend’s.
she asked me if our home was gone
and all I could say was
I don’t know
It wasn’t
I’m one of the lucky ones
and I’m still crying every day
