missing mom

missing mom

a friend asks
where is this young raw
I want my Mommy energy
coming from?

I rewind
when did I feel this way before?

third grade
I lost her for 5 weeks
while Grandy battled cancer
endured surgery
survived (just barely)
and all we could do
was talk on the phone

maybe this is one small part
of my crying need now
the current fear of death
wrapped up with the past threat
of losing my dear grandfather
and mom
in different ways all at once
the exhaustion
of trying to be strong and good and selfless
while also just wanting to be
hugged and held
told with certainty that things will be alright
that I wasn’t losing her forever

I remember the sudden understanding
of all she did for me
the terror that it could all be gone
and me undoubtedly unable
to handle things alone
the desperate missing
of her protective physical self

we all know
I was different when she returned:
kind caring compassionate
suffused with gratitude
I learned what I had taken for granted

in our family
where mother-love is not a given
she wrapped us in love beyond question
beyond hoping for

I still don’t want to do without it
and don’t yet know
how I’ll change this time