managing panic

you may do your best
to turn off the part of the brain
that sees the river below
and wants to contemplate
the thin steel wire
connecting you to existence

the part that’s sure
that although you know
how to put one foot in front of the other
you may well fall/fail

those feet then dangling in mid-air
your body unsuccessfully
contorting to get grounded
your heavy self stuck
in the no-man’s land
between here and there

even if you do
reroute those synapses
your gut may still betray you
flip-flopping through
unbidden sensations
of worst-case scenarios
begging your brain to acknowledge
the distance between
yourself and safe

you are still being
your own kind of brave

meanwhile, your smallest son
bounces from one swaying beam
to the next, grinning
while the other one pauses
gets down on hands and knees
on a narrow platform
high above the river
to joyfully peer into a nest
and your husband cracks jokes
no dry taste of fear
in his mouth all day

but you still stepped out
of your comfort zone
into thin air
one shaky limb at a time
sometimes remembering to breathe

you did your best
to bypass your wiring
and persuade yourself to trust
the support would hold