miracle
my mother sits with me
at my table
making plans
a year away
every bit of this scene
a miracle
I wouldn’t dare dream
one year ago
Tag: daughter
inheritance
inheritance
what would he think of his wife
whittling away his children’s wealth
erasing their names
by the respective x’s,
and inserting her own,
including his difficult surname
that she’d earned
over the long hard years
lying beside his failing body
he was mostly all business
proud of his cold calculations
he watched the stock ticker crawl
from his hospital bed
and once, after opposing counsel shamed him,
he pinned the man in the courthouse elevator,
threatened him and others to come
but sometimes he was pleased
to unfist his hands
smugly magnanimous
glad to be the bigger man
or perhaps generous with guilt
I think he’d just be disappointed
in any one of us who failed to fight
his money wasted (he’d mutter)
on idiots
who ought to have learned
how to hold on to a gift
missing mom
missing mom
a friend asks
where is this young raw
I want my Mommy energy
coming from?
I rewind
when did I feel this way before?
third grade
I lost her for 5 weeks
while Grandy battled cancer
endured surgery
survived (just barely)
and all we could do
was talk on the phone
maybe this is one small part
of my crying need now
the current fear of death
wrapped up with the past threat
of losing my dear grandfather
and mom
in different ways all at once
the exhaustion
of trying to be strong and good and selfless
while also just wanting to be
hugged and held
told with certainty that things will be alright
that I wasn’t losing her forever
I remember the sudden understanding
of all she did for me
the terror that it could all be gone
and me undoubtedly unable
to handle things alone
the desperate missing
of her protective physical self
we all know
I was different when she returned:
kind caring compassionate
suffused with gratitude
I learned what I had taken for granted
in our family
where mother-love is not a given
she wrapped us in love beyond question
beyond hoping for
I still don’t want to do without it
and don’t yet know
how I’ll change this time
endless knot
endless knot
one year after his death
not much new has come to light
except a few photos
including one of my mother and him
tender, both in Irish sweaters,
as if it were all meant to be
as if things once fit
even as if one might trace
the complicated thread uniting
all our lives
follow along its convoluted loops
and one day see the whole thing
through the distance of time
to find an intricate Celtic knot
then believe/understand that it was all
part of the plan
that sculpted the landscape of now
tugged us into the beings we’ll be
wove us into shapes
that will someday make us able
to give what’s needed
without worrying why
Father’s Day
Father’s Day
for maybe the first time
I felt no void this day
no sense of want or lacking
the day washed over me
a clear simple wave
celebrated with my husband
sons
father-in-law
there was a freedom
in not needing more
a peace
in feeling whole
even after the phone rang
it was so easy
to be good
