one more small loss in the immense field of losses
the orange koi survived the embers
weathered the flames
withstood the ash
through it all they swam circles
in the little stone pond
but the day came when the bulldozer
rumbled and scraped and wrought
smooth dirt where their little depression had been
some things are not survivable
not all allegories have happy ends
now this earth bears
their quiet little bodies, too
inheritance
what would he think of his wife
whittling away his children’s wealth
erasing their names
by the respective x’s,
and inserting her own,
including his difficult surname
that she’d earned
over the long hard years
lying beside his failing body
he was mostly all business
proud of his cold calculations
he watched the stock ticker crawl
from his hospital bed
and once, after opposing counsel shamed him,
he pinned the man in the courthouse elevator,
threatened him and others to come
but sometimes he was pleased
to unfist his hands
smugly magnanimous
glad to be the bigger man
or perhaps generous with guilt
I think he’d just be disappointed
in any one of us who failed to fight
his money wasted (he’d mutter)
on idiots
who ought to have learned
how to hold on to a gift
some words for when there are no words
I wish I could take away this pain
the senselessness of your immeasurable loss
I wish the day could be done over
and life could go on
without the color drained out
I wish all your warm bodies
were home safe in bed
I wish you weren’t now being asked
to do the near-impossible:
to go on waking and walking
making breakfast and holding your children
convincing them that things will
one day be okay
whether or not you believe it
I wish you were bored with
the mundane certainty of tomorrow
rather than peering down
a dark tunnel of echoes
holding your racing heart
dreading what’s next
may rock strengthen you
water soothe you
air breathe for you
fire keep the light burning
in your chest and eyes
may all beings in your path
pause and reach deep into their pockets
to hand to you
some of their very own
extra fragments of hope
endless knot
one year after his death
not much new has come to light
except a few photos
including one of my mother and him
tender, both in Irish sweaters,
as if it were all meant to be
as if things once fit
even as if one might trace
the complicated thread uniting
all our lives
follow along its convoluted loops
and one day see the whole thing
through the distance of time
to find an intricate Celtic knot
then believe/understand that it was all
part of the plan
that sculpted the landscape of now
tugged us into the beings we’ll be
wove us into shapes
that will someday make us able
to give what’s needed
without worrying why
Father’s Day
for maybe the first time
I felt no void this day
no sense of want or lacking
the day washed over me
a clear simple wave
celebrated with my husband
sons
father-in-law
there was a freedom
in not needing more
a peace
in feeling whole
even after the phone rang
it was so easy
to be good
After I wrote this I found a photographer who was willing to take a picture of the weeping cherry tree, but it had already dropped its blooms. Maybe next year… Thanks to Rozanne Lee Anderson-Moreland for the photos.
weeping cherry
the most thoughtful gift
I’ve ever been given
she was a First Communion miracle
planted just for me
8 years old
our heights about matched
we grew up together
her hot pink flowers lit up the spring
and one year when she was little
robins nested in the heart of her crown
I never named her
five years later we grew apart
divorce took me to a smaller home
without a tree to call my own
but I still visited
still had a claim on that piece of earth
now, with my father gone,
the house and tree
willed to his wife,
she’s another thing I could lose any day
if I could have anything from that home place
I’d take a photo of her now
in marvellous bloom
higher than the house
also perpetual permission to trespass
to lay my bones down
on Walnut Creek shale
whenever it calls
This poem was written in response to this comic, which deeply saddened one of our sons. I actually reached out to the artist to see if she might have anything comforting to communicate to him, but I have not received a response. The article explains that she drew the comic to encourage drivers to slow down for ducklings. Our kids found it by Googling “duck comic.”
tragic
all the departing souls saying
I’m so sorry
all the dying pleading
Can you say goodbye to me?
our sweet son sees a comic
of a ghost duckling
taking leave of his mama
and knows the devastating truth of it –
they’ll never know each other again
we are not the faithful it is written type
no, we’re bound to hang on to breath
and the dear flawed souls around us
with our heels dug in
teeth gritted
not taking any chances on some future homecoming
or even any afterlife
I want to shake that artist
until her own teeth rattle
and demand
What were you thinking?
There’s enough real tragedy in sight
without making him mourn
your damned duck
or his mother.
Why make his world any more sad
than tomorrow demands?
our shared grief
in this lonely time of loss
each of us locked away
in our own sorrow
the future a grey haze
uncertainty dusting everything
we do or say like fine ash
the fear of dying alone
(our death or a beloved’s)
with no hand to hold
no last pressure between worlds
the one consolation is
our shared grief –
that you know a bit
of what I must say no to
without me opening my lips
for maybe the only time
our hearts share this unsaid knowing
that we would each gladly
take this away from the other
I want to splash warm red
and the smell of cinnamon
into your scene
let you remember
how spontaneous laughter feels
light the way forward for you
at least a few steps
loose ends
gliding through aspen and spruce
the question arises unbidden –
what unfinished business do I have?
mostly the same as any mother
any wife
any daughter
any sister
and then the book I have been writing
all these late nights for years
unsent
unpublished
unimportant
otherwise
I think all the people I love know
and now all that’s left
is to sink into the skis’ kick and glide
think thank you over and over
and pray for mercy
