poetry

unbalanced on the equinox

unbalanced on the equinox

the black campground studded by flames
like my inner landscape
raging from the unkindness one son inflicts on the other
and my inability to create peace
in our little truck
in our extended family
in our town

no it seems we all want to tear each other apart
enjoy that crestfallen look on the other’s face
when we betray them with disdain
just like me
unable to see the 21-month-old I made cry to sleep
his bucket never able to be filled since
the payoff of sleep so not worth the damage done
sleep I reject every night now anyway
I’ve no idea how to make it better
only know to limit the pain I myself inflict

unbalanced today
I lashed out and liked it
calling him out on his selfishness
not caring that each word I spat would undoubtedly
have the opposite effect
driving stake after stake between us
with each word I said

there is a dark energy
in our world of Schaafs
we take
and there’s never enough
how can I keep this from going out in the world
how can I possibly shift it
we keep repeating the mistakes of the past
our humanity diminished each go around

the Dalai Lama says
be kind whenever possible
it is always possible

but I don’t know how to respond kindly to unkindness
in a way that won’t lead to more

I don’t know how to read two books at once
sometimes I doubt I have enough love to give
sometimes the relief of peace seems as elusive
as drinking from the shimmer
of the highway’s mirage

poetry

solstice gift

solstice gift

our boys passed the day
harmoniously
lightening all
within their spheres

poetry

axe

axe

he loves so deep
any no hurts
so he says yes
yes yes yes yes
take everything

one day
he may see
too many yeses
harm the beloved
like that damned
Giving Tree
that always left me
feeling hollowed out
shivering
at just how heartless
one-sided love could be

poetry

Sand Creek sigh

Sand Creek Sigh

wending our way
through ghosts of kahikatea trees
shattered into cheese crates
we all go sour

buttons pushed
silent or silenced
vacant stares
and equally frosty penetrating scowls
the irritating jabs like mozzies upon us
I steam
why can’t we all just get along?
as usual
not seeing how I’m running things off the rails
not taking into account
a hierarchy of needs
no amount of sunshine or seaspray can fill

tonight the little morepork owls are everywhere
their 2-note incessant cries
like the repeated badgering question
of one son grinding his will against another

no, I can’t fight it
that little morepork must say his say
share all his dark time wishes and won’ts
sing his little heart silent
and I must summon more patience
again tomorrow

poetry

inanimate love

inanimate love

our children sometimes
shove and kick each other
speak harshly and tease
they aren’t always gentle
with a brother’s heart

but you would never guess these things
if you saw the tender way
they work together to buckle in
each inanimate stuffed animal
in the car
both openly concerned about
each little body’s
safety, comfort, and view,
their hearts utterly in tune
when they care for these
beings without blood

poetry

Prayer to End Bickering

Prayer to End Bickering

3 ways to hurt:
silence
ridicule
selfishness

3 ways to heal:
communication
kindness
generosity

Our Father
who art I-know-not-where
hallowed be all your manifestations
o place within my fumbling grasp
the sword of wisdom
and guide my hand
to carve peace
in our little 4-roomed home
in the 4 chambers of our hearts
in our 4 doubting minds
so that we each
first do no (more) harm

poetry

younger brother

younger brother

I hate pink
he says
and I start to cluck my tongue
at the gender norm straitjacket
because
he continues
my sister hates it
and everything shifts